In Fellowship, Faith & Friendship

Ok folks, I don’t usually get to into my views of Faith, but hold on to your rosaries because I am about to go bold.

I have discussed a bit about my weight struggle and enjoyment of food & alcohol that doesn’t necessarily help with weight loss.  And I have discussed my goals for this fall and personal improvement of 1% a day. ( More In previous post: HERE)  And to build on that, when I am fighting I have to remember these things (taken from HERE):

“Whenever I worried, or woke up anxious, or woke up filled with so much regret and shame, I would just ask myself: are these thoughts contributing to me improving 1% in these specific four areas of my life? :

Physical Health: eating better, sleeping better, moving better.

Emotional Health: being around people I love and support and who love and support me.

Mental Health: being creative every day. Writing down 10 ideas a day.

Spiritual Health: finding the craziest things to be grateful for.

If it didn’t fall under those categories, I didn’t do it, or think it.”

AND THIS: (HERE)

“The six people you need to find:

1) SOMEONE TO LOVE. Write the name and why you love this person.

2) SOMEONE TO THANK. You must call them and thank them. If you can’t call them, just write their name down.

3) SOMEONE TO BE GRATEFUL FOR: (but you can’t thank directly. Maybe they are dead. Or long gone from your life.)

4) SOMEONE TO FORGIVE: (you don’t have to physically forgive them. It turns out the same amount of oxytocin is released if you write their name down on a piece of paper and forgive them).

5) SOMEONE TO FORGET: (no need to be angry anymore, my sweet baby. Forgetting and moving on, even if their actions were unforgivable).

6) SOMEONE TO ADMIRE: We can often rewire the brain by thinking about the people we want to admire and emulate.”

Thank you, James Altucher for your writing 🙂

I have lived (or barely lived some days) with depression & anxiety for years.  I know that this has been a huge part of my struggle with alcohol and weight gain.  In the last year I have made HUGE changes to my life, and yet in someways it feels like the change is very small.

In the last 18 months I have gone from 268 lbs to 216 lbs to 274 lbs.   I have had to refrain from roller derby due to injury and working a 2nd job.  I have started attending church regularly.  I stopped a gym membership due to finances. I had a great friendship dwindle and a few more fizzle out. I pray more. I work on communication with my husband more. I was coping with alcohol to a point that I noticed a change in myself.  I isolated myself from friends.  I have seen my sons more.  I have traveled more.  I have spent more quality time with others.  What does this say to you?

Well, it is a mess…because life is messy 🙂  But in the last few months I have been attending a “Bible Study” of sorts with two amazing women.  When people say things happen for a reason, they do!  I would never have met these important women in my life if it wasn’t for starting a roller derby team 3 years ago.  One of these women led me back to church and the other has inspired me in many ways.   We meet regularly; discussing life – our joys, sorrows, worries, needs, we pray together and for each other, we read together ( The Bait of Satan ) and share devotionals, we watch inspirational videos (AHA) and now we have embarked on healthier eating decisions together through The Weigh Down.   We remain accountable because we are in it together!  So far I have lost 5lbs using The Weigh Down method….I am working to a goal of 240 lbs by Christmas 🙂

But the bigger picture is this – In the past I lost weight because I was out of control!  I left a job that was literally killing my soul on my daughter’s 3rd birthday.  I didn’t know what to do next, I was worried about money and life, the only thing I could control was my eating….and I did, right to the tune of losing the weight I wanted……but I was focused on ME!  I was focused on how others saw me, on my personal hurt, on wanting to feel successful in “worldly” ways.   Was I happy when I lost the weight, yes….but nothing really good had happened in my life, it was a coping mechanism.

As life got more out of control; I had to make choices to give less time to roller derby and get a 2nd job to help more financially.  Then I became hurt, cold hearted and bitter.  I wasn’t focused on my family and enjoying their time more. I missed my derby friends, I missed skating.  I hated being away from my family at a 2nd job, but I needed it…..but this bitterness and guilt ate at me.   I got very depressed about my financial situation and began drinking more….and the weight came back with a vengeance.

After time I realized that only a few people from my derby team reached out to me in my time of need and a bond was formed more deeply.  I opened up about my feelings and how awful I had been to my husband in my bitter state.  I was encouraged to join this friend for church and today I am glad I did.  Our family goes regularly now and it has helped me greatly.  My prayer life is getting “hot” (WAR ROOM reference).  I am focused on God and what He has for my family and I.  I am learning to wait and listen before making decisions.   And for the first time I feel “worthy” and “loved”.  My body is amazing, I can see the beauty in the fat, even if I don’t like it there, I know I don’t have to carry all the burdens and temptations alone anymore and that freedom has lifted my heart and spirits high.

I also know that my views of many things in life have changed.  I have been able to forgive past hurts and move forward.  I am spending more quality time with my husband and children and traveling more, even with smaller financial outlets.  I still miss skating and my teammates, but I know where to find them when the time is right again.

In the last 12 months, looking back, my life has turned around in so many ways.  I still struggle and will continue to pray about my health/weight, my career, my financial stability and family matters.  I feel so blessed for the changes in my life and look forward to see what will happen in the next 6 months or year.

I know this post is a jumbled mess of thoughts, but if nothing else take this away: Find your Faith, Stay Hot in your prayer life, Seek God, Accept what you can’t change and Trust in the blessings promised to you.   You can do anything with Christ who strengthens you…..but remember to believe so that you can see…..”seeing is believing” is a world concept, not a God concept.

I have so much more, but that is it for now!

Be the light….. Matthew 5:14

~Cakes~

Harm None

I took a few days to think, spend time with an ill child, and attempt to get some of my groove back.   Regardless of what I write or my opinions, my intent is never to hurt another.   I attempt to be conscious of how items might be taken and I know that sometimes I just have to laugh at myself for being so ridiculous.

Recently, my husbear shaved his beard.  I have been not the nicest person to deal with and when I pondered further, I realized I was being a child and protesting his change of facial hair.  I know, ridiculous.  Granted he looks much younger than me when he shaves, and kissing becomes prickly….but I was more or less having a tantrum every time we discussed something…and really for no good reason.   I had to look down deep and remind myself that he didn’t say a word against me when I gained my weight back.   OUCH!  I sucked for a few days.

I am looking deeper still to find the seed of my beard infatuation, as it didn’t start in my life until he came along….and to be honest, he didn’t have a beard when we met. When he first grew it, I was unsure but it soon became a great love for the look.  I was already in love with the man.

Just remember we aren’t perfect and we need to be respectful, even when it is hard.

~Cakes~

Making the most of stillness

Yesterday I had an MRI on my right knee and was reminded of how terrible life must be like for kids at times.  SIT STILL, DON’T MOVE, JUST WAIT A MINUTE …..  I heard all these phrases, though the words were not yelled at me, I found it difficult to stay still for the 45 minutes (what felt like eternity) of my knee scans.

I don’t know if I have ever been still that long while awake in my whole life! I am also pretty sure I move more in my sleep, but I will have to consult with my husband on that 🙂   Regardless, it was difficult.  The more I thought about it, the worse it became. I wasn’t sure what to do….in my mind I was worried there was a piece of metal forgotten somewhere in my body that was going to end me on the spot…..ha, but seriously

I took a few deep breaths, got my heart rate even and began to pray.   I mean, I prayed hard and before you know it, I actually felt calm.  My leg muscles quit jumping.  My back stopped aching from the angle I was laying in.  Then I began to pray for the people who have hurt me in life.  It is hard, that is probably why I haven’t done it more…but I was pretty stuck and it seemed like as good of time as any to get on with it.

When my time was up, I was calm, refreshed and felt I had blessed many people who probably truly need it.   Who knows what the scan will show, but I feel good about the results either way.  I also realized that my heart has been hardened by offenses I took on from many in my past.  I am going to keep working to melt the past from my heart and love others as I am meant to.

Here is to taking more time in my life to truly BE STILL and to pray.

~Cakes~

Work/Life Balance

The Dream

I often have found  myself slowly maneuvering the high wire of life, carefully working to keep everything balanced, not wanting to risk falling, unsure if a safety net is in place.   I get envious at times looking at others who seem to have a two-lane highway to maneuver down; able to go as fast or as slow as they want, able to put items down without losing balance and pick things up, and move in many directions.   I am a mover, this slow, hardly stable balancing act is driving me nuts!

I found this chart above recently and started looking at my life.  The only areas I feel that are lacking are “work that is challenging & enjoyable” and “financial stability”!  Overall, that really isn’t bad 🙂  I am blessed!   These items go hand in hand.  I need to find the career that allows me to flourish and grow doing what I love. I feel in that way I would actually gain more financial stability.  I would work harder for what I want and I could possibly even completely overhaul my budget if I was doing what I loved.  My time and energy would be worth more to me.   I want to take a leap because I realized I do have a safety net in GOD, my husband, my family, and my friends!

I looked back at when I was happiest in the last year….and it was almost exactly a year ago.  I had lost weight.  I was healthier.  I was cooking A LOT!  Check out my other blog Cooking with Cakes.   I was selling Pampered Chef and being very active in my community.    Though financially I need my day job now, and a 2nd job….I have decided to get back to Pampered Chef and cooking more.   The Cupcake K<3 revived my love of baking and I am excited to take that show on the road, from home to home, spreading joy with my warm and fun personality and great food!

Here’s to working to live the dream!

~Cakes~

The other “A” word

ARTHRITIS

Today I found out that at 35 years old, I have distinct signs of on set arthritis in both of my knees.  I mean, really what did I expect.  I haven’t ever been kind to my body; overweight, roller derby, jogging….my joints hurt and I knew it deep down.  The next step is MRI and consultation to see if there is damage that needs scoping or if PT, weight-loss and muscle building can help me for a few more years.

I have been actively working to lose weight again….as of today I am down 10 lbs!   I have been biking to build my muscles up again and be easy on my knees.   I have amazing roller derby teammates who are helping me be active where I can in the organization, even if I can’t skate right now.

I might be taking the long path to get to my goals, but I refuse to give up!

Take care of your knees!  It is hard to get down to even pray once they have been damaged.

~Cakes~

#getthosegoals – 3 times is a charm

Well here we are, making big changes in life…or unlearning the ways that are holding me back from my goals.  I woke up Monday morning at the heaviest I have been since having my daughter…..NOT OKAY! I love my body, but I know I can do better.  Alcohol has been cut.  I started back on Isagenix until I reach my goal and then I plan to transfer over to the 21 Day Fix to keep portion control.

I am done just dreaming, it is time for action in many areas of my life and that is always an exciting time! So, in using the SMART goal method I have previously mentioned:

Specific : My goal is to lose 50 lb.s

Measurable: via scale and tape measure changes

Attainable:  I have done it once and I can do it again!

Relevant:  It is what is best for my overall health and well-being.

Time-Bound: 6.5 months (by my 36th Birthday in December 2015)

Start Date: June 30, 2015

Goal 1: lose 15 lbs in 6 weeks

Goal 2: lose 15 lbs from weeks 7-15

Goal 3: lose 20 lbs from weeks 15-24

I have already begun a biking regimen and hope to get back to lifting weights because I loved that!  I am looking into water aerobics for summer and other things I can do, like yoga to help with strength without injuring my knees.

Working on a better life overall.  Confidence in one area of life boosts confidence in other areas.  Gotta get this goal and than working for the next!  Ultimately I would like to get below 200lbs.  I would like to have a job I really love that allows me the financial freedom to not work 2 jobs, to have debts paid and still travel…..a dream now,working on a plan, a goal later!!

~Cakes~

A,B,C’s of Abuse

I guess this week has turned into No Fluff, Real Talk week 🙂  So today I am going to talk about another subject I am close to: Abuse.   Abuse comes in many forms; Physical, Emotional, Psychological, Sexual. (to name the 4 basics)  In my experience, abuse isn’t a one time deal, nor is it a one “type” experience.  In my past I have received multiple forms of abuse from the same abuser.

We all know and have possibly read studies on how abuse takes its toll on a human over-all; child or adult.  Here are the quick A,B,C’s of Abuse from my point of view.  I don’t have a degree in psychology, though I have seen some therapists in my day.  I also want to be clear that my experience is from my past, I no longer deal with abuse only effects from past abuse (anxiety).   All individuals can be effected differently, trust yourself, if you feel you are being abused you have the right to talk to someone you trust about it and make steps to better your own life.

A = Affect (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/affect)

This is an emotional response that creates an effect on the person.  This can also stand for Affection, how an abused individual relates to others is dynamically changed.  Walls can be built to keep people out.  An outgoing person can become introverted and reserved.  I was a promiscuous girl seeking male affection thinking it was “love” and just wanting to be loved.

B = Biochemistry (http://healthland.time.com/2012/02/15/how-child-abuse-primes-the-brain-for-future-mental-illness/)

Abuse effects the biochemistry of the individual being abused.  The mind becomes rewired for how to deal with stresses and these new directives can lead to mental health issues; including PTSD and anxiety disorders.  These issues can also lead to chemical addictions within the victim.   One may become over confident or even be abusive to others in an attempt to gain control of anything for themselves.

C = Confidence (or lack there of)  (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/hide-and-seek/201205/building-confidence-and-self-esteem)

Abuse can break a person down in all ways and it can be hard to get up. I have worked hard to forgive myself, even if it wasn’t my fault.  I have learned to love myself again, though sometimes it can be hard.  Sometimes words or memories seep into my mind unwanted and I have to face them head on or allow myself to wilt.   Remember that you are enough and you are loved!  Get a good support system of people you trust.

Being a survivor means something and the road of abuse can end with you.  Don’t ever feel wrong for reaching out for help; find a trusted friend, Pastor or counselor.  And most of all remember you are not alone and you can make a difference in your life and in the lives of others.

As someone on the outside, if you witness abuse tells someone!  If you are comfortable stepping in, talk to someone who can help.  http://www.thehotline.org/contact/

~Cakes~

Letting go and fueling teamwork

Canoeing with my sons. 6.25.15

I love kayaking and being on the water.  I have canoed in Ohio & South Dakota.  Kayaked in South Dakota, Idaho, and Montana.  I have also white water rafted the Snake River (super high spring) in Idaho, and near Duluth in Minnesota.   I feel most alive and in my element near water and mountains and I try to instill this love in my children.   Now, I prefer to kayak because I like being in control (go figure).   But I can tell you that without the help of my crew while white water rafting in Idaho….I may not be here today.  As I was about to be tossed from our raft passing a very treacherous point in the river, the girl behind me (Krissy) literally used her oar as a bat and hit me square in the side of my life jacket to lob me back into the boat.  It was an exhilarating experience and I am grateful all the time for her quick thinking.

Teamwork in all areas of life goes a long way.  My sons are 17 months and two weeks apart in age.  They are either best friends or worst enemies.   Working together is a challenge most days, but yesterday they figured it out.    We started with me in the back of the canoe and they each took turns in front.  We enjoyed a leisurely paddle on the ponds, going under the bridges and even stopping for a short time on the small island.   They finally wanted to paddle together….this meant I had to sit on the floor of the boat in the middle and I wasn’t liking the idea at all.   I gave in and allowed them to talk it out, I gave advice on how to turn, when to paddle and other tips I have learned.    It seemed like we were spinning in circles for awhile, they each got irritated with the other and took it on themselves to tell the other what they were doing wrong.  AHA….a teachable moment.

I ordered paddles into the boat and we sat and talked.  We discussed how to speak respectfully when you need something from someone you are working with.  I talked about how, in roller derby, we talk in the pack to let our teammates know what we are doing or what we need them to do.  We agreed to talk and not fight and the paddles were returned to the water.   We zoomed across the water, they got us under the bridges, turned around and headed back to shore.  I was very proud.   As I climbed out of the canoe, I asked if they wanted to try going without me. Yes, I was completely scared to allow them on the lake without me, but I had to let go and trust their abilities.  They beamed with delight!   And they were fast.   They could maneuver around the course I gave them in less than 5 minutes and so I allowed them to keep practicing multiple times.    When they were done, you could see their pride and they even told each other what a good job they had done.

  
If my children are anything like me, I realize that having control is the comfort zone….but we all need to be reminded  that magic happens outside the comfort zone and sometimes we need a team to help get us there.

~Cakes~

And the Oscar goes to…

Yesterday ended up a bit dramatic and I am still tallying votes as to which of us should get the Oscar!   My children were too busy playing to hear the phone and didn’t pick up after 8 calls, luckily I was on my way home, but I was hoping that they would be ready to go when I arrived.   I was fuming, but kept it under control and used it as a time to teach about fight or flight reactions.    I also explained that when a Mother’s fear and anger mix, you get SUPERMOM….and told stories of Moms saving their children with incredible feats of strength and speed because of this rush of SUPERMOM adrenaline.   I also explained that this can make Mom cranky, as well.    We all laughed and I thought, “Yes, I did it!  I didn’t blow up, I didn’t yell.  The situation is resolved and I look Awesome!”   I definitely have to have some supporting actress in a drama role points there.

The boys and I had a good afternoon of lunch and desserts before heading home to bake cupcakes.   The boys helped wash dishes and get things ready to go.   My middles son gave a great performance of slap stick with “where does this dish go, oops I spilled water on the floor again” shenanigans.  I was none too impressed, but we got through it.

Then my husband and daughter got home.  My husband, seeing that I was swamped in the kitchen made an excellent disappearing act, but not as good as David Copperfield….no Oscar there.   Then finding out that the computer had an issue, it became clear that he could possibly show some sign of Oscar worthy anger soon.    In allowing him to have some time to fix the computer, I took all the kids to help sell cupcakes, this is where it got good.

My oldest son was irritated with his siblings and started to act out, then felt bad because he thought he messed of the computer and did a short performance of “leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to you”…..we gave him space and he came around, but our daughter gave an almost two hour long performance of “let me cry and whine and carry on about EVERYTHING!”….it was epic and I know she wins the leading actress in a drama Oscar….I really hope that pays off in my future.  She could be a great actress and I hope she remember me when she does!

But, then we got home.  We ate supper as a family.  We calmed down.  We snuggled together.  We laughed.  And I realized again that no matter the struggles and drama, I am immensely blessed!  My children are smart, happy, funny, kind, and healthy.   I will take the drama for all that 🙂

Life is lively!

~Cakes~

Your Characters

https://natheefah.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/lost.jpg

Who are the characters in the story of your life?

A roommate I had always talked about the characters in our lives.  The people who are main characters, those who make staring roles and those who make guest appearances.  Those who become part of the plot and those that remain in the back ground.   The good guys, the bad guys and everyone in between.

He is a writer and now that I am writing I see his point more.  We all have our own story.  We have choices about who the main characters of our story are.  We also have choices about our personal character and who we become.   And really, we can remove a character along the way if they no longer fit into our story ( both good and bad).

Who are your main characters?  Who are your guest stars?  Are you making a good story?  If not, start a new chapter and keep on dreaming.

I am making the most of my story; love, adventure, heartache, joy….it is thrilling!

~Cakes~