In Fellowship, Faith & Friendship

fellowship

Ok folks, I don’t usually get to into my views of Faith, but hold on to your rosaries because I am about to go bold.

I have discussed a bit about my weight struggle and enjoyment of food & alcohol that doesn’t necessarily help with weight loss.  And I have discussed my goals for this fall and personal improvement of 1% a day. ( More In previous post: HERE)  And to build on that, when I am fighting I have to remember these things (taken from HERE):

“Whenever I worried, or woke up anxious, or woke up filled with so much regret and shame, I would just ask myself: are these thoughts contributing to me improving 1% in these specific four areas of my life? :

Physical Health: eating better, sleeping better, moving better.

Emotional Health: being around people I love and support and who love and support me.

Mental Health: being creative every day. Writing down 10 ideas a day.

Spiritual Health: finding the craziest things to be grateful for.

If it didn’t fall under those categories, I didn’t do it, or think it.”

AND THIS: (HERE)

“The six people you need to find:

1) SOMEONE TO LOVE. Write the name and why you love this person.

2) SOMEONE TO THANK. You must call them and thank them. If you can’t call them, just write their name down.

3) SOMEONE TO BE GRATEFUL FOR: (but you can’t thank directly. Maybe they are dead. Or long gone from your life.)

4) SOMEONE TO FORGIVE: (you don’t have to physically forgive them. It turns out the same amount of oxytocin is released if you write their name down on a piece of paper and forgive them).

5) SOMEONE TO FORGET: (no need to be angry anymore, my sweet baby. Forgetting and moving on, even if their actions were unforgivable).

6) SOMEONE TO ADMIRE: We can often rewire the brain by thinking about the people we want to admire and emulate.”

Thank you, James Altucher for your writing 🙂

I have lived (or barely lived some days) with depression & anxiety for years.  I know that this has been a huge part of my struggle with alcohol and weight gain.  In the last year I have made HUGE changes to my life, and yet in someways it feels like the change is very small.

In the last 18 months I have gone from 268 lbs to 216 lbs to 274 lbs.   I have had to refrain from roller derby due to injury and working a 2nd job.  I have started attending church regularly.  I stopped a gym membership due to finances. I had a great friendship dwindle and a few more fizzle out. I pray more. I work on communication with my husband more. I was coping with alcohol to a point that I noticed a change in myself.  I isolated myself from friends.  I have seen my sons more.  I have traveled more.  I have spent more quality time with others.  What does this say to you?

Well, it is a mess…because life is messy 🙂  But in the last few months I have been attending a “Bible Study” of sorts with two amazing women.  When people say things happen for a reason, they do!  I would never have met these important women in my life if it wasn’t for starting a roller derby team 3 years ago.  One of these women led me back to church and the other has inspired me in many ways.   We meet regularly; discussing life – our joys, sorrows, worries, needs, we pray together and for each other, we read together ( The Bait of Satan ) and share devotionals, we watch inspirational videos (AHA) and now we have embarked on healthier eating decisions together through The Weigh Down.   We remain accountable because we are in it together!  So far I have lost 5lbs using The Weigh Down method….I am working to a goal of 240 lbs by Christmas 🙂

iron

But the bigger picture is this – In the past I lost weight because I was out of control!  I left a job that was literally killing my soul on my daughter’s 3rd birthday.  I didn’t know what to do next, I was worried about money and life, the only thing I could control was my eating….and I did, right to the tune of losing the weight I wanted……but I was focused on ME!  I was focused on how others saw me, on my personal hurt, on wanting to feel successful in “worldly” ways.   Was I happy when I lost the weight, yes….but nothing really good had happened in my life, it was a coping mechanism.

As life got more out of control; I had to make choices to give less time to roller derby and get a 2nd job to help more financially.  Then I became hurt, cold hearted and bitter.  I wasn’t focused on my family and enjoying their time more. I missed my derby friends, I missed skating.  I hated being away from my family at a 2nd job, but I needed it…..but this bitterness and guilt ate at me.   I got very depressed about my financial situation and began drinking more….and the weight came back with a vengeance.

After time I realized that only a few people from my derby team reached out to me in my time of need and a bond was formed more deeply.  I opened up about my feelings and how awful I had been to my husband in my bitter state.  I was encouraged to join this friend for church and today I am glad I did.  Our family goes regularly now and it has helped me greatly.  My prayer life is getting “hot” (WAR ROOM reference).  I am focused on God and what He has for my family and I.  I am learning to wait and listen before making decisions.   And for the first time I feel “worthy” and “loved”.  My body is amazing, I can see the beauty in the fat, even if I don’t like it there, I know I don’t have to carry all the burdens and temptations alone anymore and that freedom has lifted my heart and spirits high.

I also know that my views of many things in life have changed.  I have been able to forgive past hurts and move forward.  I am spending more quality time with my husband and children and traveling more, even with smaller financial outlets.  I still miss skating and my teammates, but I know where to find them when the time is right again.

In the last 12 months, looking back, my life has turned around in so many ways.  I still struggle and will continue to pray about my health/weight, my career, my financial stability and family matters.  I feel so blessed for the changes in my life and look forward to see what will happen in the next 6 months or year.

I know this post is a jumbled mess of thoughts, but if nothing else take this away: Find your Faith, Stay Hot in your prayer life, Seek God, Accept what you can’t change and Trust in the blessings promised to you.   You can do anything with Christ who strengthens you…..but remember to believe so that you can see…..”seeing is believing” is a world concept, not a God concept.

I have so much more, but that is it for now!

light

Be the light….. Matthew 5:14

~Cakes~

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