A little back-story: Many months ago on an evening outing with some Derby Sisters, I gave an epic talk on “Owning your Queendom”. It was a great discussion of being present, unapologetic and loving of yourself as a woman and invoking your own confidence in situations and being treated with respect. I have made comments in a previous blog at the request of a girlfriend who was there that night. Well today is that girls wedding day! I am so excited for this next journey in her life and as part of that I want to give her some Marriage Advice – Queendom style 🙂
So what makes me an expert on marriage advice, not a darn thing but the lessons from my MANY mistakes. I have been married multiples times and my current husband is #3….cause we all know 3 times is a charm. To heck with that, I was blessed plain and simple! God has a purpose for me, and my heart and head needed some major purification. Only by the great trials of fire can the impurities of gold be brought to the surface, wiped away to leave you with cleanliness and purified gold. I am not saying my heart is without imperfections, but I have had a major work done on me and am truly blessed to have my husband in my life and 3 beautiful children.
So here is my advice on marriage in no particular order:
1. Water your own grass! It isn’t greener elsewhere no matter what you see. To have the marriage you want you have to work at the marriage you want.
2. Communicate about everything, ALL THE TIME! Ruts and roadblocks will come, but keep talking. To remain quiet and push things down can harden your heart.
3. FORGIVE! Try to think the best of your partner always, more than likely they are not intentionally trying to be hurtful. We see and hear things through our own filters, based on our own experiences….that isn’t necessarily the same as your partner. And also remember to forgive yourself of your mistakes.
4. KEEP DATING! No matter how short the time, make time for each other. Find that one thing that is “your thing” to do together! Mini golf, craft beer, amusement parks, charity work….make a goal to do that thing as often as you can.
5. Support each other’s dreams and decisions. Remember you are one of their decisions and they were yours! Create goals together and work toward them.
6. It is okay to go to bed angry, but it is not okay to react disrespectfully. Sometimes a good nights sleep can put some perspective and space between you and your hurt feelings! If you need to rest, ask to talk about it in the morning over coffee. You might not sleep well, but think and pray, I promise it helps:)
7. Don’t be afraid to love more. We go through cycles and sometimes you will feel like you are putting in more, or you are putting out more loving feelings, that is perfectly fine….where it gets hairy is when you are both drained and upset at the same time (refer to some previous points for help) Marriage isn’t 50/50…it is 2 people giving 100% all the time and our individual 100% don’t always match.
8. Be willing to apologize first. It doesn’t mean you lost ground, it means you are gaining a loving foothold which is a much faster route to resolving issues. When in doubt read the book Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs ( I have read it more than once.)
9. Surround yourself with really great friends and family as resources. When you need marriage council, go to a respected and trusted individual. We can’t always do it alone, but we also don’t want to vent to lots of outsiders. Go to people who know the hearts of you and your spouse, who can give sound Christian advice….not what you want to hear!
10. PLAY! Never grow up 🙂 Yes, we need to mature. We need to work and pay our bills….but never be too old to laugh out loud. Laugh at yourself. Spray your partner with the hose while watering the garden and let them chase you. Playfulness will keep your spark alive.
I pray for blessings on my friends today and always! Here’s to a life full of sweetness.